To Be Honest: A Year of Covering Esports with Social Anxiety

So nine months ago, about a week or so it’d be announced I would be working for ESPN, I wrote a piece on Medium about living in the video gaming/esports journalism space with a mental illness. Social anxiety has plagued me for a majority of my life since I was a kid — can we please abolish middle school? — and it was now affecting me in my career in wanting to be a writer.

One of the main reasons why I left theScore for ESPN was wanting to challenge myself and change up my life. There were times where I was literally too nervous or scared to cover an event because I had this idea that everyone would hate me or judge me, like anyone really cared who I was. I didn’t post any pictures of myself on my main social media and a majority of the people thought (and still do, even after posting a wide array of terrible selfies of myself) that I was Asian.

As a writer, I always want to improve, to get better. I want to be a better writer and storyteller a year from now than I am today, and the only way I could do that is by challenging myself. By going to ESPN, I not only achieved the dream of 12-year-old me, but it took me out of my comfort zone. I was going to be forced to travel the world. I was going to be forced to meet people, connect with others, and tell stories in a face-to-face manner instead of merely writing from a thousand miles away in my safe haven.

I want to say it’s been easy, but it really hasn’t. At times it has, especially so after getting to meet some true friends in the industry, but there are still times, even now, when I feel like I’m drowning under water. The first day I went to cover the NA LCS live at the studios in Santa Monica, I almost threw up four times before I left my hotel. If my general editor Darin Kwilinski hadn’t been there to introduce me to everyone and get me in the building, there is a good chance I would have probably bailed on the event. Instead, I withstood, and survived, feeling like I under water for the first half of the day until I realized that — as freaking cliche as it sounds — there was nothing to worry about.

Going to events is fun. Meeting new people is fun. Making friends is fun. Still, every time, there are moments where I feel out of my depth and feel awkward. I just have to push forward and hope for the best. The amazing this, I’ve met others like me throughout the year, and it’s been good to help them while also helping myself feel more comfortable.

From all the people I’ve met in esports, no one is perfect. Everyone has a flaw or something in the past they wish they could forget. People will just look at their phones for hours before talking to each other if there is no one to break the ice. From the players to media to the fans, everyone is a bit of a weirdo, to be honest. People have quirks, me included, and it makes covering the world of esports as exciting as it is.

While I’ve come a long way in nine months, I still have a long way to go to be the writer I aspire to me. I still suck in anything related to personal relationships. I trip over stairs constantly. I sometimes talk too much or talk too little. I avert my eyes from sometimes if I’m having a personal conversation or interview. I’ve had people come up to meet to ask for pictures at events, and I’ve declined due to shyness — I’m so, so sorry to you, people I was accidentally being a jerk to — and anxiety.

Two weeks from now is the World Championships, and I’ll be (hopefully) covering it. If you see me (or think the really tall guy with curly hair is me) don’t be afraid to say hello or talk to me. It’s nice meeting people who like me and respect my work, and even if I’m off-putting with my monotone reactions, it does make me want to work harder every day to be the writer I want to become.

So if you have a mental illness or something hold you back from going to events, even as a fan, don’t let that hold you back. If you stay in the same position as you were last year, last month, or even yesterday, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Everyone is weird. Everyone is flawed. But if you make the steps necessary to put yourself out there, you’ll find people who accept you. I’ve seen people go to the Riot studios for NA LCS alone and leave with friends they met on that very same day, laughing as they discuss how the hell *insert NA LCS team here* could throw such a ludricous lead in the late-game.

Some days suck.

But the ones that don’t — and are quickly outnumbering the opposite — make it all worth it, I promise.